A Little Background

My family has been going through a really hard time lately. Our lives have been uprooted, and there are many unknowns about our future. Where will we go? When will we go? How will we go? This crisis hit our family about a month ago, and my wife & I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. Myself - I feel that I was doing relatively well - until about 3 days ago. Up until then, I'd been keeping busy planning, coming up with plan B, plan C, plan D scenarios... Getting quotes from moving companies... Thinking through potential new locations... Making pros and cons lists... But the more I thought & planned, the more options & questions that seemed to come up. I wasn't making any progress. And I think my body finally ran out of adrenaline, and started to crash. I was entering some stage of depression. At various times this month, I'd been feeling the physical effects of stress, but now my body was feeling the full force.

Imagination

2 nights ago, I just hopped into bed, and was waiting for my wife to come too. For whatever reason, this question popped into my mind to ask her: "If you could be any animal (especially during this stage of your life), what animal would you be?" Sometimes I might ask my kids silly questions like this, but never my wife - so I don't know why this came to mind. As I was still waiting for her, I thought I'd better think of an answer myself because I know she'll ask me too!

I had no idea. Maybe a turtle? I could hide & be protected in my shell. Still mobile & able to walk around, but always have protection. But that didn't really seem to fit me.

Then I thought, maybe an eagle? I could fly high above the earth - see the "big picture" of all that was going on down below & make wiser decisions. But then I had the thought that eagles have to kill other animals to survive & feed their family - and that just didn't really feel like me either.

And then, all of a sudden, a very clear image of a sheep came to me. And immediately I knew: THAT'S IT! If I could be any animal at this stage in my life, I would like to be a sheep with a Good shepherd. I know sheep are not the smartest of all animals (to put it nicely), but I'm ok with that. I want to be a sheep with a Good shepherd to lead me. (In real life, I see Jesus as my true Good Shepherd.)

Ok, so in this "game" I picked out my animal, so I got to thinking: "now, where would I like to be?"  I thought: "oh, that pasture with nice grass over here & a stream with cool, fresh running water over there." Then something told me: "Whoooooa! Wait a second. No, no, no - that's not your job! You're a sheep. It's your shepherd's job to lead you to wherever he thinks best". At first, I felt a little bit of "oh bummer, I can't go wherever I want", but then a wonderful feeling of freedom came to me: "Ahhhh, yes, if I'm a sheep, and I've got a truly Good shepherd, then I don't need to worry about anything - just listen for his voice & obey when he speaks." If my shepherd is truly Good, then he's got my best interest in mind. And he will lead me to the best pasture possible based on the current circumstances. I might notice a beautiful pasture "over there", but my shepherd might lead me in a different direction - perhaps because he sees a storm coming, or a wolf lying in ambush.

In this stage of our life, I've been really wanting to figure out everything, especially "Where are we going to go?" So then, we could start answering "When are we going to go?" Then we could start answering, "How are we going to get our most precious belongings from here to there?" And once all that stuff was figured out, THEN I could finally start to relax and not be so stressed.  But trying to figure out all these details, was slowly (but surely) taking its toll on my body, and I was slowly spiraling into a depression.

The following night, I took this "imagination" a bit further. I thought, a shepherd is not going to tell his sheep: "Walk straight about 50 meters, take a right at the big tree, after you pass the 2nd rock on the left, take a slight left up the hill", etc. In fact, I think there would be many times he wouldn't say anything at all - just let all of us sheep eat, drink, play, relax - whatever we felt like. If we wander a little too far off in the wrong direction: "Hey, get back here". Or if we're walking to a new pasture & take a wrong turn: "Hey, a little bit to the right". Just short little commands. "Baby steps". Right now in this stage in my life, I want to figure it all out right now, but I think my Good shepherd wants me to feel ok about where I am right now, and just focus on listening to his voice & following where he leads. 

Parts of me still want to just "get to the end & do it quickly, all by myself". But there is SOOO much freedom in just simply allowing myself to be a sheep & be led by a Good shepherd, who truly has my best interest in mind. Even if it's slower than I want. Even if it's on a path I wouldn't choose myself. No matter what - just trust my Good shepherd. Ahhhh, how freeing!

Psalm 23

This morning we went to church. It is so good to be in community, especially when going through hard times. But at church this morning, do you know what the sermon was about? Psalm 23.  The pastor read:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
    He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.